About two years ago I was going through approximately 7 different traumatizing experiences at once and living in a house where EVERYTHING had to be picture perfect. I was in an accident with TWO semi trucks and I somehow swerved to cause the accident and have no recollection of it. I was terrified, didn’t drive for a year, and the house that I was currently residing in was so toxic it actually baffles me how I stayed there as long as I did.
We had to live perfect Christian lives, have our perfect shit together and have perfectly straight sticks up our butt holes. It was a space where passive aggressiveness grew and empathy did not. If you’ve learned anything about me, it’s that I will never stand for that type of lifestyle. People are not perfect, nor should they be and as I dove into trying to figure out how to manage my life and keep Uphold afloat one roommate started telling the other that me moving into their apartment was spiritual attack. That my presence and the fact that I didn’t buy into the whole “fake perfection” rules was actually the devil using me to weaken their faith. As ridiculous and hilarious as this is for me to read back to myself, it was just as painful to hear and made the whole “figuring my shit out” process about 75x more painful.
I eventually moved out and my life drastically improved. I switched churches and found @thecommonsmn - a space where literally everyone is welcome and people actually call you to hang out midweek because they’re not too preoccupied trying to be the next coolest youth leader. I found my roommates who are all badass women who1. is in grad school for intentional development so they can do non-profit consulting work 2. is a program director for local arts non-profit or 3. are the consultants who decide where to allocate funds donated to Sierra Leone after the Ebola outbreak. I look back on that season of my life like I look back on my Trump supporter/cheater boyfriend -- how did I think something so toxic wasn’t just okay, but GOOD?
I don’t think about that season that much because when you've got gold you don't need to think about the season that had bronze all over them very often, but today I did. You see, last night I was in this horrible accident. I blanked out when driving home and was jolted back into reality as I was barreling down a median, towards a sign with half of my car heading towards the other side of the street. No one was hurt, except for my shitty little car who’s axel was torn from it, but the fact that I literally don’t know how my car ended up there is scary - scarier yet when we realize this is a reoccurring situation. I’ve been walking around/crying/eating a lot in a haze all day because I am terrified of myself and I don’t know what this all means right now. I love my life and all I’ve set out to do in it is chase after the things God puts on my heart with all that I have, and now I’m literally petrified to drive again.
Being the strong AF individual that I am I was trying to pull a v brave face and just cry into my pillow but my roommate Steph lovingly cornered/checked in on me and I lost it. I think I lost three pounds of liquid out of my eyeballs and nose as I wailed for like 30 minutes into her sweater because I am so scared that there’s something wrong with my brain. Steph doesn’t go to the flashy happy clappy churches, and she doesn’t care about having the perfect instagram profile, and she doesn’t care that I swear, and she willingly and joyfully expands my alcohol palette.
But Steph did put her hands on my shoulders and forced me to look her in her eyes and said “Kels, Jesus has you, and you have us. You have talent. You have determination. WE can figure this out.” Chills and peace. That is Jesus. Jesus is not your happy clappy everything is perfect mood board, but He is there when things get scary and shaky and He is real love. Real love hugs you and says “WE” when it doesn’t have to and reminds you of the good stuff in the midst of the bad stuff. So I don’t know what you’re going through, I don’t know if you’re having a good day or a bad day but I would like to take a moment and virtually put your face in my hands and say “Hi, cutie. You have talent. You have determination. We can figure this out.” I’m still scared AF, I’m still walking around in a huge haze, but when you know you’re GENUINELY loved and not alone it makes even the scariest stuff okay.
I've come to believe that being genuine is a super power. Being genuine somewhere between wearing a cape and wearing a full on Jesus bodysuit and it changes things.