The Lion Queen
Where do you want to go when you have an incredibly broken heart, but you know that breaking up really was the best thing you could do? Where do you want to go when you go through health problems? Where do you want to go when you've been told time and time again that you're not good enough and your passion to help children will never be enough to actually do something? Where do you want to go when you lose a loved one? Where do you want to go when you have two near death experiences within 10 seconds? Where do you want to go when you realize you had completely blocked out some childhood memories that you need to deal with?
You want to go home.
Now combine all of those back to back and have them transpire within six months and you'll begin to know why I've gone back to Africa.
As I was about to board the plane from Minneapolis I came across some old pictures of my ex and I as I was trying to clear out space on my phone for all of the selfies Fran and I were going to take this month. Sob. Literally sobbed the entire way to Detroit. Cute, Kelsey.
When I exited the airplane I told Allison about my melt down and she said "Enough is enough. It's been six months. It's time for some lessons from the Lion King:
In the words of Rafiki, "The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it."
And in the words of Mufasa, "You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Kelsey. You are more than what you have become.”
Most friends would quote the Bible or some stereotypical Eleanor Roosevelt quote. Allison quoted Disney, which worked well because it made me laugh and is based on the stories of Moses and Joseph. She also told me I needed to call this post "The Lion Queen." Honestly, if I'm in a state like that and you're overly nice to me it's just going to make me cry more. What I need is to laugh. I love to laugh.
I could have stuck it out in the USA and just continued a normal American life. I was in such a broken and unhealthy place that if I wasn't careful I would have ended up like one of the millions of people who give up on the dreams that God puts in their hearts. Is this season one of insane spiritual attack? Is it a combination of spiritual attack and human error? Is it that I made a big mistake in coming back to America? Honestly, at this point I don't know. Which is a pretty brave statement for me to make.
I came back with an expectant heart and my only real goal is to get to a place where I know that I'm on the track that God has for me, and to get some traction again. I was talking with my previous supervisors from HAF on Tuesday and started crying and admitted "Honestly, I just want to help as many children as I can and I feel like I can't do it anymore. I need help. Help me help my kids."
Dissection of all things Uphold have begun and I've had to let my guard down while experts dig through what we've done, what we plan to do, and advise me on what to do next. I've always been willing to do whatever it takes to help these kids, but this is taking it to a "whole 'notha level" as we say in church.
Being willing to forgive and forget everything that's happened in the last year. Being open-hearted and open-handed enough to admit I don't have all of the right answers. Trusting God and those he's placed in my life to help me breathe life back into my organization again. Phew. That's brave.
So, I'm here. In addition to getting some serious perspective and a new plan of action I also plan on getting into all kinds of trouble with Fran, hugging and kissing as many black kids as I can (extra points if they're disabled), cooking for everyone I can and exploring nature. HEYO.
I'll keep you posted, and I promise this will be the most depressing post I'll write when I'm here. Also, being around Cape Town has reminded me of all of the insane mischief Fran and I got up to when I was here, so I'll include plenty of backdated posts as well.