The Time I Accidentally Dated a Married Man
Hi, My name is Kelsey and I’m a crazy ex-girlfriend. Actually sometimes that doesn’t even begin to cover it. I’m actually a v crazy AF girlfriend lit on fire with rage because I just can’t understand why people don’t love each other better. One time I accidentally broke into an ex-boyfriend’s house because I thought he got my message saying “We need to talk, I’m coming over unless you say no” and didn’t respond. I took this to mean “Yes, please come over and walk inside and come upstairs like you always do because you are the love of my life and I want to talk to you too” but actually it just meant he was asleep. I found this out the hard way: standing in his bedroom, in Roseville, at 12:00 at night as he groggily woke up and said “Kelsey?”
I apologized immediately and was about to get TF out of there, but he responded with asking me to come cuddle with him and telling me he missed me and wanted to call me as well. But still, I’m a crazy ex girlfriend. Please don’t date me, and if you do, definitely don’t break up with me.
I’ve gotten the nickname Kelsey Swift with my close friends and followers because I’m not afraid to let the world know about the ins and outs of my life. I tell you when I have PMS, compare sin to literal poop, and post pictures of myself when I’m 6 classes and 4 days away from my last shower. I write about the good, the bad and the ugly and I’m not just referring to my tinder dates, but I’m also referring to my tinder dates. I’m convinced that’s why 2/3 of you follow me. There should actually be a ten step process for people like me once they're emotionally curb stomped like I was recently:
1. Always be with other people who will let you cry
2. Booze every other day
3. Force feeding - I can actually see my ribs right now and I'm between a 0 and 00 simply because food tastes like a lie just as much as everything your ex told you.
4. No happy music - angry hip hop or crying music only.
5. No more than two drinks ever, and no later wakeup time than 7 AM! The later you stay up the more you'll over think (it's currently 11:15 PM)
6. Delete his number and no unsupervised text messages to anyone
7. No creeping on his profile.
8. No liking and commenting on all photos of new girls who have recently followed him since your breakup (I'm nutso, I told you)
9. Do not, under any circumstances, rebound or resort to his gross emotional unintelligence on any level.
10. Compliment you when you wear crop tops and feed you burgers.
Since my last real relationship where I was cheated on, I haven’t written an explicit blog post on what’s going on in that department. I’ll mention things here or there, and definitely give you a rant on my Instagram story that will disappear in 24 hours, but because of the rate my profile growth I’ve always second guessed posting something before it ruins someone’s life if they care about their reputation in Minneapolis.
That’s not to say there haven’t been major fuck boys since then - one guy took another chick to Miami when we were dating, one guy dated multiple one armed chicks and was borderline fetish-esq and my most recent conned me into dating him while he was still freaking MARRIED. What in the actual hell is wrong with people?
I always give the disclaimer on a first date that if someone is an idiot they’ll be written about, and in my own defense there have been many a man that didn’t even cross my mind to write about my experiences with. Different strokes for different folks and different lifestyles do not justify their shortcomings of what I desire in a partner being blasted to my social following. Some people just aren’t the right fit and that’s okay.
In case you haven’t noticed by now my ex boyfriend and I broke up. End of March / early April I was swept off my feet by a man who told me he volunteered in Mexico for two years at an orphanage, was passionate about travel and adopting children and left his dream of being a chef to pursue a better and more stable life for his future family. If you mention anything about helping children in need its basically my emotional viagra - I’m in.
He dropped the L bomb within a week of knowing me, told me that I’m “it” for him and all he’s ever wanted, and when I joked about him ensuring he could get a yellow diamond for mama’s taste he had me literally look it up and pick it out on his phone on the spot... while still married to someone else. Weekly flowers, romantic dates, dope seats at Twins games, “anonymous” donations to my non-profit…the works. The guy was the perfect boyfriend. Whenever I’d mention things about being scared at the fact that we were moving so fast he’d calm me down and say “You are literally everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner, I’ll never stop fighting for this.”
Turns out he wasn’t so perfect, he was married. Turns out he did stop fighting, pretty much the moment his true colors were exposed from his ex-wife’s best friend’s message to me letting me know I was accidentally dating a married man. No matter how many vacations, romantic dates, flowers and empty promises he threw at the situation it wasn’t going to change what was bound to happen: he was messed up and manipulative, and I was his most recent victim.
There’s something inside of me that wants to believe everyone who hurts others is just broken and if they understood how loved they were by Jesus, they’d just stop. I used to be a very angry human being. The fact that Fran and I are still friends is a miracle, because when I first landed there I’d just scream when I’d be angry and she’d literally love me out of my bullshit. I figure if this method of being incredibly loved by others and Jesus worked for me, it’ll work for anyone. So when this all erupted, I couldn’t just set aside the fact that this person had also been very good to me. I couldn’t ignore the things he’d said or the way he’d made me feel. I wanted to believe and assume the best in him, and that his tales for not telling me or dating at the tale end of things were true. I'll always want to believe that.
We broke up. He wasn’t an okay guy, I’d never want to date someone who thinks the kind of shit he pulled was okay, and ultimately I want to be with someone who encourages me and everyone around me to be better, not someone who hurls “what assholes” at every other real estate billboard around Minneapolis because it’s not his name up top. This kind of person I saw at the tail end of our relationship is nowhere near the kind of person I want to be with.
I could tell you real life tales of what went down between the two of us and the horrible, toxic, controlling, manipulative things that were said on his end when ALL I was trying to do was be a supportive girlfriend. To be honest, I was tempted to until I realized I’m no better than he is. I was incredibly sad at first - to the point where I couldn’t be left alone because I was literally suicidal because of his actions and lies.That’s the thing with manipulation - it makes you feel like you’re the outrageous one. I felt like there was overwhelming amounts of sadness that would never get better and he was completely fine.
I didn’t do anything dumb, and I saw my counselor and my pastors (a lot, like multiple times a week each) and they all reassured me that being distressed after being horribly lied to and manipulated is normal and healthy and told me to do whatever I needed to get back on track with life. Oh and my pastors told me they and their families loved me and I should come by literally whenever I needed because thats what the body of Christ is actually supposed to look like. My counselor told me to stop trying to go through hypotheticals of what he might be going through to try to empathize with him because I’d never really know. Freshly divorced? So messed up he had a secret relationship while still married? Even if he tried to be honest with me (which he didn't) he wouldn’t have been able to articulate his emotions and thoughts, so it was best to try to stop processing through that despite my desire for answers. And then came the anger.
You see, I’ve literally been shaking with anger the last few days. Actually trembling. Borderline unable to function because I’m so mad. Screwed over in friendship, relationship, future plans, and a job by the same man. No matter how hard I tried to communicate and fix things I was greeted by his standard cop out excuse - “we changed, we’re different. It’s toxic.” to which I’d always reply “No shit we changed, you’re now divorced instead of married and you stopped communicating.” But then my anger got a hold of me, and then I got a hold of one of my yoga students turned friends and got real honest with her.
“Faith. You’re never going to believe a single word I’ve said in a yoga class after I tell you what I’m about to tell you. I’m fucking nuts,” and she laughed. Then I told her that for the last two weeks I’ve literally written an entire series of horrible blog posts about this man and threatened him that I’d publish them because I’m a crazy ex and bitch and I’m so mad he gets to move on and not think about any of it. I told her that I literally knew the hashtags to use, the accounts to tag and that I know by a human standpoint I have every right to do this. I was used, literally emotionally abused and gaslighted, and then left to dry while he goes onto the next chick who may or may not be named Caitlyn. It’s 100% not fair, everything I wrote was 100% true and yet for some reason I couldn't post it.
And that, my friends, is real love. Knowing you have every capability and every reason to tear someone to pieces because they are such a shit head, and choosing not to. Like unfortunately, this is high level spark notes version. The real deal of what I experienced was atrocious. But I always say this: real love isn’t easy, it’s a choice. Any one of us has the capability to make or break the other at any point, and it’s up to us to use our lives to the best of our ability to understand, empathize with and uplift the people around us. God has blessed me with a quick wit and very capable 8 fingers but He hasn’t done that so I can tear others down. The reason I’m so mad at Max isn’t because he doesn’t want to be with me - I’m hot as shit and easy to communicate with so long as you're not manipulative and always down to clown - he won’t find a better match for himself than me. And, at the end of the day I don’t want to date someone who pretends to believe in Jesus to impress me and buys fancy Twins tickets and can’t communicate. That’s not my life partner. It’s an okay loss if this is all he really is.
The reason I was mad at Max was because he had no integrity, and without integrity we are nothing. The life he promised me disappeared the moment things weren’t an easy peasy emotional roller coaster ride, despite my willingness to communicate, and I was mad that he didn’t have the foresight to look at it and realize that this isn’t an okay way to treat people. I was mad at him for not portraying the person that he promised me he was, and as a means of rebuttal I wanted revenge. But here’s the thing with revenge, it’s just anger on steroids. And anger is just a secondary emotion of sadness. And sadness is hard to function in, so we find other ways to cope. But at the end of the day, I’m just sad for this human being. Sad that he’s experienced such intense life circumstances that he can’t function in the world as a kind, stable man. Sad that he can’t work on his stuff when he says he loves someone. Sad that he puts his daughter in the middle of it. Sad that he is so numb that he has no remorse whatsoever in regards to who he hurts. Sad that he doesn't have the life skills to not use people to cope. Sad that he is so conditioned to the 21st century lifestyle that he puts profit over people and doesn’t care who he hurts. Sad that I believed him and got incredibly hurt.
In one of our breakup conversations I asked him "What happened to Jesus Max? The nice, kind, incredible human being? He was the best boyfriend I ever had and now I don't recognize you. That was only two weeks ago." he responded with "I have so much stuff inside of me that being that person is exhausting." Newsflash, integrity is exhausting. Doing the right thing? Exhausting. Following through on what you say you'll do? Exhausting. Putting others before ourselves? Exhausting. Also, always worth it. Integrity is a choice. It's not the easy one, but it's the right one.
Sadness is more difficult to function in than anger. I just cry all the time when I’m sad. Well meaning friends say things like “he doesn’t deserve your tears” or “he was a douche thank god you cut your losses” but my little heart just feels salt. Because at the end of the day, no matter what this thing was for Max, it was real for me. So real. I totally loved him from the most deep parts of me, and probably still do. I believe every person who is clearly going through stuff deserves our tears - that’s called empathy. It’s a biblical commandment and a healthy emotion. And most importantly I believe everyone can change - Max, Travis, John, Adam… fill in the blank with your current asshole of choice here… I have to believe it. It’s in my DNA. I’ve seen how my life changed when I was put in overwhelmingly loving environments and I’m a batshit crazy ex girlfriend so if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone who’s willing to do the work and put themselves in the right circumstances.
So there will be no blog series on this current bobo of an ex-boyfriend, despite the multiple requests of my friends after hearing the bone chilling tales. No matter what, I’ll always believe that he, and anyone, can change and that I am just as fucked up as the rest of them. I'd rather throw myself under the bus like this, than exploit someone else to prove I'm right. I know I'm right. I don't need that.
I don't pretend to life a perfect life. I literally told you my craziest human flawed stories in this post. I'm a nut case. But I do believe in Jesus - not in the keep the rules and you won't go to hell way. Rather, I believe there's a God because I think its impossible to believe everything just happened without divine intervention somehow, and Jesus is the only logical answer that pairs with science, history, and psychology. He tells you what you don't want to hear because he wants what's best for you. Jesus doesn't say that love and forgiveness are good ideas. They're fucking commandments. Love and forgiveness are not feel good terms that help us live an easy life. They are nitty, gritty choices that we have to make white knuckled and full of rage in order to be people of integrity.
This is my solemn vow to you, one of my sweet, precious 19.7k followers - I’ll never use this platform to actually defame someone, and I’m actually pretty embarrassed I had to say that. But its 12:27 and I’m three drinks in and honestly just glad I’m not inviting myself to his house right now. We’re all so fucked. You, me, definitely Max, and we all just need to figure out how to be proactive in being better to each other. It’s clear he’s not on board for that mission, but I’m glad you are. So let’s take this Friday and make it our goal to make everyone we meet better and more encouraged for the day - from your barista, to your secretary to your Chipotle server. I don’t know what to tell you, except I’m glad I can be honest about my crazy side with you and you still love me anyways.
So here's my integrity post to you. Always keeping it 100% - he fucked up, I fucked up, you probably fucked up this wee
Also, as my one and only low key act of revenge, here is a picture with me maybe or maybe not dropping a shadoobie outside one of his family's establishments. I told you I was angry, right? Consider this a very generous trade off for me not posting the series, babe.